Summer of Love Page 18

  His mouth hardened, but the rest of his face looked so open, so revealing, as he met her gaze in the mirror. ‘Nothing,’ he said, glancing away.

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  This time, when he looked at her, she saw exactly what he was thinking. So clearly, that she was already pulling away when he spoke the words, wishing she hadn’t asked, wishing he wouldn’t tell her.

  ‘I was just thinking that, somehow, I’ve gone and fallen in love with you.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  Alex’s brain was cursing his mouth even before the words were out. This wasn’t the plan! What the hell was he thinking, telling her that? Stupid, stupid, stupid man.

  What had happened to letting things gently work their way to an inevitable conclusion? She’d have realized it herself, soon enough, he was sure. They were a match. They were fantastic together – in bed and out of it. She was the first actual woman he’d ever been able to actually see himself settling down with, the first one to make the plan seem possible. But it was still far too early to be talking about love. Let alone with a woman as scared of commitment as Lily was.

  What had made him say it? Hell, he hadn’t even admitted it to himself for more than a moment before he was blurting the fact out. All this getting in touch with his creative side must have rewired his businessman’s pragmatic brain. And what was he going to do if she wouldn’t admit she felt the same?

  God, what if she didn’t feel the same?

  On the other side of the fitting room, Lily stood backed up against the wall, her eyes wide and terrified. Alex cursed the fact that bridal shops gave women more than a square meter to get changed in, unlike most shops. She shouldn’t be able to be so far away from him. Now he’d realized how he felt, all he wanted was to keep her close to him, always.

  It was the dress that was to blame. The way it clung to her like a second skin in places, and hung loose and inviting in others, just hinting at what lay underneath. He’d looked at that dress and seen her walking down the aisle behind Cora. And then, before he could stop himself, he’d seen her walking down an aisle towards him, ready to make herself his forever.

  Something Lily swore she’d never do.

  God, what a mess. Alex ran a hand through his hair, and tried to find the words to make this right again. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’

  ‘No, you shouldn’t.’ Her eyes were wider than he’d ever seen them, even that first night when she’d fallen apart under his fingers, shock and pleasure mingled on her face. ‘We agreed. We said. This is only a fling.’

  Alex shrugged. He’d already gone this far, he may as well throw down all his chips. ‘What if I want more than that?’

  She was already shaking her head. ‘I can’t. We can’t. I told you –’

  ‘You told me you didn’t want to marry Edward.’ Stepping closer, Alex reached for her hands, but she tucked them behind her back before he could grasp them, and his own arms fell to his side.

  ‘I told you I didn’t ever want to get married.’ She stared up at him, and for the first time he saw the anger in her eyes. ‘What, did you think you were the exception to that rule?’

  ‘And I told you I had come home to settle down,’ Alex countered.

  ‘But not with me!’ Lily cried. ‘You were very clear about that. This was just a fling, same as countless others you’ve had over the years.’

  Fury burned deep in his chest. Did she really not know that this was different for him? Did she understand him so little? ‘You didn’t really believe I’d changed.’ He laughed, low and bitter. ‘After everything you said about people changing in relationships, you thought this whole thing was just a phase for me.’

  ‘Of course I did, Alex!’ Lily sounded exasperated. Good for her. Because he was a hell of a lot more than just exasperated. ‘I mean, the photography and everything, sure. But settling down? Getting married? I know you said you wanted it, and maybe you really believe you do. But honestly? I can’t see it. You’re not that sort of man.’

  ‘How the hell would you know what kind of man I am?’ Alex asked, his voice dark. ‘You’ve kept me at arm’s length from the start, too scared to admit to how you actually feel about me.’

  ‘How I feel? You lied to me, Alex. You said this would just be a fling!’

  ‘Maybe I thought it would.’ He felt uncomfortable even saying the words because, in truth, he’d always known that Lily was more than just that. Even if he hadn’t anticipated how far and fast he’d fall, once he had her.

  ‘No you didn’t.’ Lily’s eyes narrowed as she studied him. ‘Was this your plan from the start? You were so certain about what your perfect life had to have in it that you broke up me and Edward to get it?’

  For a moment, he couldn’t believe he’d truly heard the words. That she’d really said that, or even thought it. His head burned with the unfairness of it, and he couldn’t control his response, or his words.

  ‘You really think that?’ He stalked closer, staring into her eyes, searching for the truths there. ‘You think I’d do that? God, you don’t know me at all, do you? I fell for you, Lily. Hard. And all along, you didn’t even care about getting to know me, beyond what I could do for you in the bedroom. All you cared about was making sure you could be the person you wanted to be.’

  ‘And you’re any better?’ Lily spat back at him. ‘You have your idea of what you need for your life to be perfect, but I told you from the start that your perfect looked different to mine. You just assumed that you could talk me round, that I’d want what you wanted in the end. God, you’re no better for me than Edward was.’

  ‘Then why the hell don’t you just go back to him?’ They were yelling now, Alex realized. Any moment now Cora and the shop lady were going to come back and find them slinging accusations at each other. He should be embarrassed, but how could he be any more humiliated by this than by what he’d just done. He’d never told a woman he loved her before. And clearly this was why.

  ‘Because you made me see that I could have more than that. I just didn’t realize you only wanted me to leave him so I could give you what you wanted instead!’

  ‘Yeah, that’s why. God, why else?’ Alex said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘Not because I thought we were friends, surely.’

  ‘Friends? I think you need to check your definition of friendship, Alex. Friends don’t do the things we do.’

  ‘And whose idea was that in the first place? Sure as hell wasn’t mine. You were the one who started talking about flings.’

  ‘And that was working fine! Until you came in here with all your stupid talk about –’

  Alex cut her off before he had to hear the word “love” pass her lips in such an angry tone. ‘And you’re wrong. I didn’t set out to break up you and Edward, even if I’m not sorry it ended that way. But maybe you did. Maybe you broke it off with Edward so you could take me to bed without feeling guilty. Maybe if I hadn’t come along, you’d have married him anyway. Maybe this is all about the crush you’ve had on me since you were fourteen. Maybe deep down you’re just the same confused, impulsive and selfish little girl you always were.’

  The colour faded from Lily’s face, leaving her white and horrified. Alex felt a stab of guilt as his words echoed in his head.

  When she spoke, Lily’s voice was soft and deadly. ‘Clearly I didn’t know what kind of man you were, then. If I’d known what I do now, I’d never have been so stupid.’

  She swept past him, out of the fitting room and into the main shop. He turned to follow, brushing the curtain out of his way with an angry arm. ‘Lily, I’m –’ he started, but she was already gone, out into the street.

  Leaving only Cora and the shop assistant staring at him like he’d been killing kittens in the changing room.

  * * * *

  ‘I know, I know, you were right all along,’ Lily said, staring mournfully into her cup of tea. ‘It was a stupid, stupid idea to get involved with Alex.’

  Cora looked around
the cafe; it looked hygienic enough, but if Lily spilt anything on that dress there was going to be hell to pay.

  ‘He’s gone now,’ she said, slipping into the chair opposite her friend. ‘If you want to come back and get changed out of that dress.’

  Lily nodded, but still didn’t look up.

  ‘And the corset,’ Cora added. ‘That can’t be very comfortable for moping in.’

  ‘I’m not moping.’ Lily shot her a glare from under her brows that sort of negated her words. ‘And you’re just trying to get me out of the dress before I stain it.’

  ‘Not entirely unreasonable,’ Cora said. ‘After all, the wedding’s in less than two weeks. You ruin the dress and you’re walking up the aisle in nothing but your fancy knickers.’

  ‘Maybe that would prove to Alex I’m not wife material.’ Lily took a glug of her tea, and a drop clung perilously to the rim of the mug before falling harmlessly to the table. Cora grabbed a napkin and mopped it up before Lily could lean on it.

  Lily’s words registered, finally. ‘He asked you to marry him?’ The utter, utter idiot. Did he know nothing? Was he so damn determined to have his perfect, settled down life that he had lost all common sense?

  ‘Worse,’ Lily said, sounding utterly miserable. ‘He told me he loved me.’

  Cora paused before responding. She loved Lily dearly, really she did. But sometimes, she was blind to the real world in a way that drove Cora crazy.

  ‘And this surprised you?’

  Lily’s head jerked up. ‘Of course it did! We agreed, just a fling.’

  ‘Lil, you’ve spent every moment with the guy for the last month. I’ve never seen either of you smile as much as you have since you got together. You’re both helping the other realize their dreams and become the people they want to be. Of course he was going to fall in love with you!’ She’d thought, when he moved home, that Alex was trying to live out a fantasy, a dream that would never stick, just because it was what his dad wanted. But watching him, over the last few months, she’d known she was wrong. Especially when she saw him with Lily.

  This was it for Alex. His dream, right before him. And Lily had thrown it back in his face.

  ‘You warned me, I know. Feel free to carry on with the “I Told You So” medley.’ Lily waved a hand at her that came alarmingly close to knocking over the tea.

  ‘I warned you that Alex was falling in love with you, yes,’ Cora said, leaning across and moving the mug. Then she took Lily’s hands in her own until her friend looked up at her. ‘But I didn’t tell you that I thought you were falling in love with him, too.’

  Lily’s face flared briefly to the colour of her bridesmaid dress, then faded to a greyish white. Grabbing her mug, she slopped tea over the edge. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  Cora mopped up the tea. Again. At least this was good practice for becoming a mother, she supposed. Offering advice to sulking teens and cleaning up after messy toddlers, all in one sitting. ‘Yes, you do. That’s why you’re looking so scared right now.’

  ‘I’m not scared!’

  ‘Of course you are,’ Cora said in her most reasonable don’t bother arguing with me voice. ‘Because love is scary. That’s the point.’

  ‘I think you’re mistaking a revived crush for something deeper.’ Lily stuck her finger in a drop of tea Cora had missed and started drawing patterns on the Formica. Cora resisted the urge to smack her hand.

  ‘Lily, if this was just about a crush you had when you were fourteen, you’d have dropped it the moment he kissed you. And you’d certainly never have spent as much time together since.’

  ‘I told you, I’m not doing love any more. And I’m certainly not doing marriage.’

  ‘So I heard.’

  ‘I just want to be me again, for once. Is that so much to ask?’

  ‘And what makes you think Alex wants you to be any less than what you are?’

  ‘Because that’s what relationships are! They’re compromise, and keeping someone else happy, and always being the sort of person they expect you to be, someone who conforms to keep the peace. And I’ve had seven years of that, and I don’t want it any more. For God’s sake, it was Alex who told me to get the hell out of that position!’

  ‘Exactly. So why would he want to put you back in it?’

  Lily sighed. ‘Maybe he wouldn’t. But it would happen all the same. You can’t tell me you’re exactly the same person you were when you met Rhys.’

  Cora thought about it. Thought about who she’d been, and who she was, and what made her happiest. ‘No,’ she said slowly. ‘I’m not.’

  ‘So you concede my point?’

  Cora shook her head, smiling a little sadly. ‘No, Lily. Because the person I am now is so much more than the person I was before I had Rhys. Yes, people change. But the key is to change together. And I know that together, Rhys and I are going to spend the rest of our lives becoming the people we were meant to be, because we have each other to lean on.’

  As her friend stared at her in silence, Cora realized that, for once, Lily didn’t have a comeback for that one. Wiping a napkin over Lily’s tea doodles, she said, ‘Come on, let’s get back to the shop before the assistant phones the police to say we’ve run off with one of their dresses.’ And before Lily tipped tea over herself in shock. Cora couldn’t help but think they’d dodged that bullet long enough.

  The fact that Lily followed without arguing gave Cora hope. Maybe what she’d said had got through to her. Maybe there was hope for her and Alex after all.

  * * * *

  Alex cursed under his breath as he started the long walk up the hill back to his cottage. It had been perfectly sensible not to bring the car when he was planning to drink champagne and get tipsy with Lily before dragging her home with him, hopefully into bed. But now it was just another stupid thing he’d done today.

  How had it even happened? One moment he’d been admiring the beautiful curves and lines of her body in that corset. The next… Shaking his head, Alex decided to blame the dress, and therefore, by extension, the woman who had chosen it. Cora. If she hadn’t been filling his head with thoughts of forever lately, he’d never have said those bloody words to Lily. Or any woman.

  Maybe he’d been wrong about it being time to settle down and get married. He’d always assumed that, when he was ready, the right woman would come along. And everything seemed to be going to plan – the cottage, the photography, the studio at the Mill. Lily.

  Except Lily wasn’t the right woman. She didn’t want to get married and, now more than ever, he knew for certain that she didn’t love him.

  He’d felt it, that look of shock and horror on her face as he’d said the words. Felt it hitting against his chest bone, attacking his heart. Felt the disappointment clattering around inside his rib cage.

  So, so stupid. And far too late now. Even he, in his optimistic, everything-will-come-together, we’ll-worry-about-it-later mind-set couldn’t see a way back from this one.

  It was later. And he was screwed.

  Finally, he crested the hill and came to the edge of the village, his cottage in sight. Squinting, he tried to read the registration plate of the car parked outside. Not Lily’s, anyway, which was all that really mattered. This one was silver, generic, nothing at all like the woman he wasn’t supposed to love.

  In the end, he recognized the figure sitting on his doorstep before he identified the car.

  ‘Gareth?’ Alex let the gate clatter behind him, and stared at his brother. ‘Everything okay?’

  ‘You know, I never really thought you’d do it. Settle down to this chocolate box cottage lifestyle, I mean.’ Gareth waved an almost empty beer bottle around his head, encompassing Alex’s not-yet-dealt-with garden and peeling front door in the movement. ‘Give up the city, and the women, and the money. The lifestyle.’

  ‘It grew old,’ Alex said, taking a cautious step closer. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Gareth drunk. His stag do, maybe. Della di
dn’t like it when he drank. Said he regressed to about fifteen. ‘I’m sure you understand that. Della not with you?’

  ‘Not ever again,’ Gareth said, a hard, bitter note in his voice. ‘Finally rid of the hag.’ He tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a sob. ‘We should celebrate! Go down the pub or –’ Alex watched as his brother collapsed back against the door, tears rolling down his cheeks. ‘She kicked me out, Al. Says it’s over. I don’t know… I don’t know what to do.’

  Alex thought of Lily, running out of the shop still in her bridesmaid dress. ‘Trust me. You’re not the only one.’ Hefting an arm under Gareth’s shoulders, he pulled him up enough to get to the lock, and fished his key out of his pocket. ‘Come on. I need one of those beers if this day is going to keep screwing both of us over.’

  Alex waited until they both had fresh drinks, and Gareth was safely ensconced on the big, comfy sofa, before settling into his armchair and asking, ‘Okay, so what’s going on? You and Della had a fight? One you think it’s going to take diamonds to resolve? Because if you’re looking for a loan –’

  ‘It wasn’t a fight.’ Alex had never seen his brother look so defeated, so uncertain. Gareth was always the one that made decisions, who moved forward, who kept things going. But now he looked… broken. Beaten.

  ‘Then what?’ Because none of this made any sense. Gareth and Della… They were rock solid. They were the couple every other couple aspired to be. Hell, they were half the reason why Alex had decided to come and settle down, finally. He wanted what Gareth had. That companionship, support. Love.

  Of course, he’d probably be having better luck if he didn’t want it from Lily Thomas.

  ‘I told you,’ Gareth said, looking up for the first time since he entered the house. ‘She says it’s over.’

  Alex met his brother’s gaze with his own and felt a chill run through him. Gareth’s eyes were cold, dead, his face an utter blank. This wasn’t a row about the dishes, a drunken night on his brother’s sofa, and rowdy make-up sex the next day while the kids were at Della’s parents. Alex had seen that with Gareth and Della before, especially in the first few years. Then, as the babies got older, they’d grown more stable, more settled.